2012 the movie! The disaster film to end all disaster films!

by Jason Dylan

I am happy that this is my first post.  I have done enough research on 2012 to know pretty much what we are dealing with, at least from a reality perspective.  I suspect all the kooks are going to come out of the closet for this one. It plays into everyone’s hands.  Rapturists. New agers. Astronomers who smoke too much  weed.

This is a win win for the doomsayers. There are some real observable astronomical occurrences and a connection to an ancient Mayan calendar. Ooooohhh! Mayans! Pyramids!

Overheard at a stoner convention, “yeah, it is well known that the Egyptians built pyramids.. but did you know the Mayans and Aztecs did too? I mean, there was no way that they could have communicated with each other. This is pre-continental drift man!”

Overheard in a 5th grade geometry class. “Pyramids were the only way that a people working with stone could erect such a tall and massive structure.”

So people will throw around actual scientific terms like ‘galactic center’ or ‘photon belt’ and meld them with astrological terms and scare the bejewels out of people.

And you expect Hollywood not to jump on the bandwagon? So still reeling from throwing away that brilliant Y2K script, the uber-disaster director of such gems as ‘Independence Day’… “damn you aliens!”… to ‘Day After Tomorrow’….’Damn you mother nature!’… comes this latest earth shattering (literally) and aircraft carrier surfing on a giant tsunami into the White House extravaganza just in time for the holiday season.

This masterpiece of global catastrophe will hit theaters with a big bang.  in November 2009. Nothing says Thanksgiving like watching the world being destroyed!  Am I the only one who finds it ironic that CGI has  become indiscernible from reality now that reality is about to end? Not fair!

So of all people who do you get to carry along this holiday narrative? It must be  Nicholas Cage right? Pyramids. Maps. Maybe some psychic stuff. Nope. You would think maybe Tom Cruise would jump on board this thing just to take away some of the negative attention that Scientology gets.  Sorry ladies and gay aliens!  Instead you get,  in what seems to be a masterful bit of  ironic hipster  casting   none other than John Cusack and a few other  gems like Woody Harrelson and Amanda Peet along for the ride.

Either I am missing something  or we have the first Hollywood natural disaster comedy. I suppose ‘Independence Day’ was amusing but ‘Day After Tomorrow’ was pretty stark and bleak. Not much comedy in it.  But in ‘2012’ the movie, you even get a black president which is one of the biggest running jokes in hipster comedy circles. “Every time the world ends we have a black president! What’s up with that? That is wack! ”

This trend started way before Obama was in the limelight. Think Morgan Freeman in that asteroid movie and that cross-eyed body builder guy from “Fifth Element”. And at least they did not get that actor who is Obama’s  twin, but Danny Glover is definitely black.  Although it is probably just a natural progression that in the future the US president will not necessarily be a white man, there are other races and even genders to choose from I believe. Have some guts and cast a female Samoan midget for Pete’s sake.

I guess some people will go see this movie to alleviate the fears they have revolving around the 2012 scenario, which is  just around the corner. Yikes!  And I guess there are a limited amount of stories to do an end of the world movie  around but I hope ‘2012 the movie’ accomplishes two things. I hope it is the end of artless disaster movies for awhile and I  hope it shows how absurd it is to think the planet will start to fall apart  on a certain date. The Earth’s warranty does not expire until  2020. And you know what happens after that. We should have got that extended warranty! Damn you  George Washington!

We are  going through a crazy time made even crazier by almost unlimited access to all kinds of information both good and bad. Yes, there is a special planetary alignment. Cool. Yes the Mayans were great astronomers and mathematicians but does  this mean that it is the end of the world? Probably not.

If you just use common sense and follow the logic of the doomsayers then we would already start experiencing much higher degrees of natural disasters. Yes there was a tsunami, but that was five years ago. 2012 is three years away. Of course global warming is serious but mother nature is not going to just wipe us out because  a Mayan calendar has  to start over. Besides the solstice sun was at the midpoint of the ‘galactic equator’ back in 1998. We are already way past the midpoint of this precession and the 2012 solstice is when this Mayan calendar long count ends.

I am sure once 2012 comes and goes without a dramatic increase in natural disasters Tom Cruise will be compelled to reveal himself as Xenu, the evil overlord of the universe after “MIV” bombs at the box office. Then the real armageddon will finally begin.  We all saw what happened to Oprah.


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