Sting Theory

"Twilight" was my idea as well," says Sting.

Theoretical Physicist all over the globe have taken an interest in a new theory of everything. It seems “String Theory” is evolving into “Sting Theory” and the scientific community is a “buzz.

Theoretical Physicists are warming up to a new theory of relativity which is connected to the famous Renaissance Man himself. It seems there is some talk within the the scientific community about the idea of  testing some of their hypotheses with actual humans in mind…and they are starting with Gordon Sumner or ‘Sting’, as he is more widely known.

And Sting’s DNA, just might hold the ‘keys’ to unlocking the mysteries of the universe! From the  beginning of recorded time music has been the language of the spheres. As a virtuoso musician who meditates, Sting has been able to give detailed accounts of unbelievably complicated quantum mechanic theories and shed new light on many ideas that have confounded modern physicists and the physicists of old.

As Gary Zukov described in the “Dancing Wu Li Masters“, there is a deep connection between eastern mysticism and quantum physics. It is a musical dance of course and who better to blend the two than Sir Sting?’

And Sting is taking it seriously of course. The enigmatic, self-described “Renaissance Man of the Century” sat with me and divulged the ‘essence of Sting Theory.’

Here are excerpts from the interview. Video by request.

Sir Sting in all his regalia:

“Yes, I have conquered all realms of music, from avant-garde rock, to avante-garde jazz, to avante-garde classical, to avante-garde new age, to avante garde-elevator music. Yes, I have somewhat conquered film in roles that were at least noteworthy, but in undeniably artful and important films. I have of course mastered the art of tantra and yoga. Why not try and conquer the sciences?

“Ever since the Greeks, the sciences and music have been wed in an eternal dance. Da Vinci might have had an inkling as to what I propose. While the Da Vinci Code is all well and good, it is just the beginning and ‘Sting Theory’ is just the next evolution of man and his relationship with the Celestial Heavens, the music of the spheres if you will.”

The Flying Warrior Pose?

Embracing the Universe?

Sting elaborated further.

“I think I am able to connect when I do my meditation and yoga. I have been practicing tantric yoga for twenty years now. I don’t even have sex anymore really, I just vibrate like a bronzed, blonde tuning fork. I am a very sensitive instrument,  I can orgasm just by a butterfly flapping it’s wings in China or Tibet. Of course it depends on the genus of the butterfly. The Tibetan Monarch Butterfly or the…oh I digress. But their isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t whisper ‘thank you’ to a butterfly somewhere.”

“And I am of course, if you haven’t noticed, a very talented musician, actor, teacher and all around provocateur of mischief,  who just happens to be as a god to the Amazonian Rainforest People; The Yanamamo and such”

He lugubriously pined:

“Don’t think of me as a savior per se…of course you can argue that I saved music, but I am much more of a  guide or wizard if you will, than a god or deity. But you will never here me bragging about it or making movies and books like it was the Da Vinci Code or some trivial Dan Brown bullshit that the media just loves to throw around.”

Sting at the Vatican? Has the Pope weighed in yet?

He then sadly refrained, “Everyone thinks I am so pompous, I cry about it sometimes…as valuable as my tears are.”

Is the western world ready to make the jump from The Da Vince Code to Sting Theory? One can only hope. What does Dan Brown or Tom Hanks have to say about such things? One can only wonder.

Sting continued.

“Just look at the titles of my albums. All the clues are there. “Ghost in the Machine” and what have you.  I mean,  I called the Police’s last album “Synchronicity”. What more proof do you need.?”

“Really,  what more do I have to do?” he said sarcastically. ” Zenyatta Mandatta baby! Cheers!. The other fellas are so jealous of me!” seemingly referring to the Police’s two other band members, “I am so beyond them now, those days are long ago.”

Sting continued.

“The most critical part of my theory though is achieved through the essence of meditation and yoga. This experience is at the heart of my theory.  I always perform in full or half-lotus position when I play my priceless antique instruments, in order to commune with the higher universal states.”

“Steve Jobs is trying to build some device for my feet so that I can write spontaneous poetry for people while  I am playing my Ukranian Ukelele or what have you. That will add a new dynamic. I am also talking about going into space so that they can study Sting in low gravity! Ha! And people accuse me of being heavy, well not  anymore!”, he madly chortled.

He opined some more.

“When I was saving the Amazon Rainforest from destruction while I was touring with my avante-garde jazz band back back in another time (the 1980’s), I feel like I experienced a oneness with myself. My album “The Dream of the Blue Turtles” references that. I was a giant blue turtle battling Godzilla above a volcano. I think Quetzalcoatl was there too. It was wild.”

I was a bit lost at this point but somehow it was starting to make sense.

He went on.

“Yes, we are all  ‘spirits in the material world’ as I was telling everyone eons ago. Finally everyone is catching up to Sting! La te da! Bravo! Hakuna Matada mofos! ”

“It’s all proven in my songs. For instance in the song, “Love is the Seventh Wave”, I allude to Schrodinger’s Wave equation’, but I will divulge no more. I am sleeping anyway so you will have to excuse me.”

With that he whispered something in an indecipherable language and evaporated into thin air.

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